CHILDHOOD AND INNOCENCE ENDS

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine at the age of 11 waking in the early hours of the morning to the sound of your mother coming home?  And she is crying and crying harder than you have ever heard anyone cry in your life?  And knowing it is something bad - REAL bad.  And having the idea dawn on you that dad probably wasn't coming home from the hospital this time?

Can you imagine your father is dying and no one tells you?  And then overhearing the family speaking and saying, "They are too young to understand"?

Can you imagine the lifelong guilt from making excuses when dad wanted to play catch and you turned him down.  And he was dying and, though you did not know, it would be the last time he would reach out to you and try to spend time with you?  And you can still remember the disappointed look on his face thirty-five years later?

Can you imagine coming inside from playing outside and walking up the stairs to your room.  Your mom is on the phone next to the stairs.  As you pass her, you overhear her telling someone that she has nothing -NOTHING- to live for?  And you sit on the steps and your preteen brain tries to process that?

Can you imagine being shuffled into your basement as emergency crews haul your mother down the same stairs because she has overdosed on pills?  And she taped a note on her bedroom door in an envelope addressed  "To whom it may concern"...and you realize this is why she asked you to get her the tape just a little while ago before she went to bed?

Can you imagine spending a week at a friend of your mother's shortly after your dad died.  And when the friend tries to bring you home (she leaves you in the car while she goes to talk to your mother who is sitting on the porch) she ends up taking you back to her house since your mother doesn't want you back yet?

Can you imagine the void of losing your father, and the vacuum of losing your family, being replaced by a man who has sons that steal from you, beat on you, and when you bring it to his and your mother's attention, they do nothing or come up with phrases like "what do you want us to do?"  And you come to the cold realization that you are even more on your own now than ever?

Can you imagine all this leading you to feeling worthless and like you deserve every bad thing that happens and are not worthy of anything good in your life?

I have done a major amount of reflection and soul-searching and healing.  And I have done most of it after THE accident on 11/24/04.  My blood alcohol level was registered (note that this was some time after the accident) at .196.   My left femur was snapped in two.  And my right ankle was snapped clean.  I still have the rod and the plates to prove it. 

I overheard my first father-in-law telling his wife that he didn't think I knew how to have fun.  He was concerned that I always seemed sad.  My first wife was ideal in perpetuating the belief that I not only deserved crap in my life, I needed to seek it out and inflict it upon myself as proof of my belief.  I lived the self-fulfilling prophecy of the doomed man.

I suffered depression, social anxiety, lack of self-esteem, and a feeling that my rotten life was somehow how I was supposed to live.  Even the highlights of my life were peppered with negativity and "bad luck".  I am proof that how you live when you are a kid guides how you live your adult life.  My environment, which was seemingly okay until I was 11, took a horrible turn early in 1972.  And my life became shrouded in darkness and despair.  I did not know how to defend myself.  In fact, I believed I should just "take it" because it was my lot in life.  I was taught to be a victim.  And a victim I remained for decades.

What literally saved my life was Kim.  My wife reached into the black hole that was my existence and directed me onto a path of healing and becoming whole again.  She is my "higher power", along with my current family, that saved my soul from the brink of Hell.  And what really brought that home was THE accident.  Because she stuck with me.  She had every reason to hate me and to walk out on  me and take the kids with her.  (Actually, she would have kicked my sorry butt out).  She didn't.  She showed that she believed in me.  She believed enough to be my nurse and bring me back to physical heath.  Emotional, psychologically, and spiritually I began to heal and grow. 

The negative, self-loathing, self-defeating Darryl was the casualty of that night.  And it was NOT easy afterwards.  I had to face Kim and the kids.  I apologized to Camille and Bryant.  I had many talks with Kim.  I had to face the reality of what I was and how I hurt everyone.  She has been my source of strength.  It is still hard for me to be social and at times I need her to give me a push into fighting for myself.  And there are times that I feel I really don't deserve her.  But I am so proud of her and feel so lucky we found each other. 

For decades I denied myself the ability to love someone and share my life with them.  I fell in love with Kim before I even met her in person.  And since the day we married, I find I love her more and more.  After THE accident, after all the refection and hard discussions, when she stayed by my side, all the baggage I had began lifting off my shoulders.  All the "imaginings" I listed above faded into memory and stopped being scars on my soul.  They are all part of what made me me.  So, I accept my past for how it has shaped my present and future.

The chains of my past, heavy and oppressive as they were, have been shattered.  And now I am free to be me.  And free to share my life with my wonderful family.  And for them to share theirs with me.  It truly is a wonderful life.